| hi |
[09 May 2007|01:39am] |
www.myspace.com/musicforcoolpeoplebycoolpeople
we covered fergie's song glamorous. lisstenn!
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| dont read it |
[22 Sep 2006|12:35am] |
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i dont even know if anyone reads this but whatever heres waht i want you to do if you do read this, think of your life and think of all the good things you have going for you all the positives if you will anything good. got it? ok now imagine if they all went wrong. everything good you had going somehow went to shit. got it? ok so tahts the point im at now. yeah. exactly. no its not good and theres really only one thing to do about it. i cant even make sense of the situation(s). e v e r y t h i n g went wrong. i feel like there is nothing left to live for. honestly. ive never been depressed before in my life i get upset on occasion but itll last about 3.5 seconds. now for the past 2 months almost has been absolute shit. i dont see it getting any better. when you think youre at the bottom...nah it gets worse and worse and worse. im just waiting just freakin waiting for the next thing to go wrong so i can laugh at this freakin world. i want it to make sense. ive got nothing. ive got my family and friends and i love them dearly. even though my friends moved/are moving to philly whiich isnt really a big deal but it is for me. i dont really get to see anyone anymore. i really dont do anything excecpt go to the bar and drink. i feel like im alone. i feel like everything is going on aroud me and im standing still. just nothing. my life sucks. a lot. and its not just right now at the moment. this is for the past 2 months. it doenst make sense how even when things went wrong i used to be like ehh so whatt i love life. now..nah im done with it. i cant take it anymore its overwhelming. im not myself. im just miserable being alive. whats the point of living if it sucks a whole lot right? theres no way out. everything i think about is bad now, the things that were good are now bad. and im completely taking for granite that im alive now and i fucking hate it. thats not me. why is my brain so effed up into thinking this terrible way and i cant go back to the way i was. where am i what am i doing with my life. seriously one person can only take so much. when do you draw the line and say thats enough. when does iit end when does it get better. when does the controller of the universe start to 'take it easy' on me. and why teh hell did he decide to fuck me over in the first place. its not good. its horrible. everything you can think of is. i dont know where to go. i thought the only way to go was up because i had dropped so low but no just keeps getting worse and worse. i cant make sense of it. what the hell happened. this isnt how its supposed to be. i miss me and the way i used to be. i want a new life a new brain everything. i cant even do anything for fun anymore. im just sick of everything. i cant even play guitar or video games and get enjoyment out of it. i just sit there and think about the awful things going on and its fucked. the worst part is it can get so much worse. its not even the at the bottom. like the bad things that are going on can seriously get worse. they can also get better. but with the way things have been going i doubt tahts an option. i need to get out i need to get away. my head needs to clear. i live for the moments when my mind is blank and im not thinking about anything. like when youre indulged into something that takes your mind up and your whole complete brain. sometimes you can do somethinig but still in the back of your head you still think about other things. probably only about 3 minutes total out of hte whole day i get taht feeling. and for three minutes i dont feel anything and it doesnt matter in those tiny moments. and i see everyone everryyonnee. i dont know what they have going on in their lives but they seem happy. everyone can hide it. i can hide it real well. i dont think anyone knows im in such bad shape. i fake it. its terrible. i dont know what to say or do. i cant make sense of anything. i guess this is me asking for help but no one or nothing can help i dont makke sense. i dont even know what day it is i dont know what im doing. i dont know whats going on. the only thing i know is its bad. i want things to go back to the way it used to be. when the only thing that mattered was living. being happy with being here. no matter what. its not like that now. waht happened to me. i know it should be better. im trying to think of one thing i have going for me except for the obvious. just being here can only take me so far. i need something to live for. theres so much going on right now. soooooo much. i cant even begin to describe what they are. im not one for going into details. you know i feel like my phone doesnt ring anymore. i dont use that aim business anymore. its lame. no one talks to me anyway. this is awful. i want someone to go my way i want things to be good and not to worry about everything and just be here.alsjdflajsflkasjaflkdsjfslkdjfaljfsldjfalsdjf
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[19 Sep 2006|04:53pm] |
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are you bothered by the choice you made?
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| a;lsdf;sdkfdlkslkflk |
[02 Sep 2006|02:45am] |
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i am in love with this girl...and i can not be with her...this is the worst feeling ive ever felt. goodnight.
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[31 Jul 2006|10:10am] |
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noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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| tequilaaaaaaaaa |
[29 Jul 2006|10:46pm] |
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whudup homies. havent written in here ina minute. mad happenings i guess. just got done treatment for the second time. feels good. just sucks cause theres still bad things there. gotta take pills now. its a whole lotta ass but better than before. ill take it. just trying to stay here for a long long time. like for real long. life is good i start working again on thursday which sucks a whole lot but i gotta be a human being again i guess. not going back to school til spring which is badass. work should be ok make some money do something again. havent really done anything except play call of duty wit bckelsey enraged angelo kill kawz and th rest of kya. kids are sick. i know its lame but so fun. just play online all the time. been hanging out with this girl lately. shes sweet. i like here alot but for some reason she dont like me anymore i think. i dunno why. its werid shes blowing it probly. whatever. what else...got fantasy football coming up. i bought mags and have been studying its serious business. i think i like anything from first to seventh pick anything after is tough sledding.ive been in first place in my fantsay baseball league. its sick im it with my boi toeknnee and bros from work their sick. i hopei can win it all thatd be nice. ive been in first place for the majority of hte season basically all of it. i want to stay there. my taem has een struggling though its kinda ass but theyll turn it around.so today i went shopping with my maini man jose. hes sickkkk. diesel urbanoutfitters and such. he got jeans at lucky ahha dude taht worked there wanted him so bad. it was funny. i got new jeans they are sick got new stuff from urban too. remembr the time bobby tackled the referree by mistake. bahaha waterboy is sick. should i get nothter beer. prolly. kinda lazy. so what else i love life and i love my friends its awesoeme. lololololloollololol funniest thing. ahhahahhahahahahahhahaha.all outa no where. bwhatever freakin drunkass. yo ahhahahahhahah made me laugh so much i dont kow wy just laughin to myself im pathetic. wsih someone was ahngin out tonight. oh yea hi got a sidekik whicih is raelly nice. its col as hell. HHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAH iloveee it. eh what to do what to do. its a little diffuclut decison ih ate makin decision. it stinks loloololololloolllolol somme people are funny as crap. ahhahahha yoooooooooooo tequlia is wack as hell. ajlsdjkfassjfd ahhahahhahahhhahahahhha
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[13 May 2006|03:53am] |
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Carpe diem
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| lovin life 24/7 |
[09 Mar 2006|02:46am] |
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hey, everythings great. couldnt ask for more. pretty much what i like to call triple f. the three f's if i may. the triFecta. threecola. threeve. family friends and of course...food. and in general people. i love them. they make me really happy. extremely. i love it. its hard to believe i could be so happy with the massive amounts of things going on. i dont know. its just baja. it gets rough. but its just about living. its probably the sickest thing out. i think the first time i went through this deal i really grew a lot as a person and understood a lot more and now second time i just feel like i know what its all about. i know me, i like me, love me maybe in fact, not conceited, happy. content i guess with the cards ive been dealt i suppose. playing them to the best of my ability so to speak. its awesome. everything. seriously everything. you name it i probably love it. makes no sense? i know really. maybe i shouldnt speak so soon, havent really gotten any tests results back yet so i dont really know where anything stands. but right now these past few days/weeks/months, "im lovin it" i spend a lot of money lately, waste maybe. i know im terrible. who cares. spent the majority of last week in the hospital just routine treatments so i could be feeling ok for the show this saturday. it gets rough, dont really remember much and it went by pretty quickly. and its already wednesday. im excited...to be here. for tomorrow, for today, for 2 hours from now, for right now. everything. karma maybe? who really knows. yeah karma my ass that jdp was not good at all. so in all reality. i want to focus on getting healthy, getting myself back to normal. normal health wise i suppose and just being badass. and my advice for you those that are reading this if you are even if you dont need it/arent asking for it.....laugh. right now. why? because pretty much the best sound/feeling in this world is that of laughter. that feeling? dude cmon...priceless.
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| from hospital |
[02 Mar 2006|10:12pm] |
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so they got internet in the hospital rooms which is sweet. just watched lost that crap is just getting nutso. theatrical glue with fake beard?? uhhhh what? damn dude damn i wanna know what happens!
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| yes sir |
[13 Feb 2006|09:32pm] |
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well i feel awful, i guess thats what chemo will do to you, bleh, this week is gonna suck then saturday and sunday are just even worse feeling i dont evn know why. i couldnt eat all day, but for dinner i had two of those long chicken sangwhiches from the bk lounge, french fries and onion rings, also got a bbq sandwhich from kfc but i just couldnt eat it, i know im slacking, and thinking bout food right now is making me sick even more. im just happy im not throwing up and ill knock on wood to make sure i dont hopefully. so my remote for my tv is broken so i cant really turn it on unless i get up and its so far away and i dont feel like getting up this sick is getting to me. trying to stay focus and do something to try to take my mind off it which would be this and its helping a little besides the fact that im on drugs a lot i think. gauntlet and there and back are on tonight so im gonna be up pretty late well just til 11 which is late for the kinda mess i am. itll be along week and weekend i cant wiat til its over. it sucks what im about to say but i really am so grateful that there is science and medicine in the world to treat cancer and i want to donate money to something somehow or somewhere ijust odnt know what or how. even if it makes me feel like hell im glad there is something to do for it where as way back there was nothing. im also going to be trying homeopathic medicines? if that sounds right. yeah herbs and stuff. well see how that goes along with the chemo im not sure about anything but i want to look into it. they said it could help my immune system be badass during chemo and itll work with the chemo and just rule everything. so well see it should be good. my chest xray was clear the other day at the doctors i wasnt sure what that meant but the doctor was really happy it seamed with it and its a really good sign that nothing new is growing and all but it is only an xray and i guess it can only show so much but its awesome it was clear and im hoping that the next tests i will rule also. cecil from work just called me i really love her shes awesome she made me a dvd of footage of my friends from the bank goofing off and all its so awesome cause im not working for a while and it was just awesome to see every one and everything that was happenening. i just started listening to azure ray and they are absolutely amazing, im not sure why i had never listened to them before. i love music thats pretty much what i do during treatments is listen ipod and sleep. cause im there from about 9 til 330 everyday this week. its kind of cool i can do it outpatient and come home and sleep in my bed every night. but something about the comfort of a hospital and staying over night during treatments ive come accustomed too makes things easier i think. but itll take it. im gonna be inpatient not next week but the week after because i asked if i could move a cycle up a week so i could go to the benefit show. if i didnt do that then i probably wouldnt make it to the show so im glad i can do this. tomorrow is valentines day what is everyone doing? hopefully something fun and something with a special person in their life. i kind of wish i had someone. as corny as it sounds. i dont wanna sound like desperate or anything cause im def not but it would be nice. i apologize if i havent talked to a lot of people or hung out even i will soon i just have been nuts lately. man these next few weeks are gonna be hell probably. im sorry for complaining and im not trying to get sympathy or whatever or pity party or something im just whatever. i remember someone said that a long time ago, weird man. damn i need to charge my ipod, im so lazy. hard to focus on things while on drugs, so forgetful. atleast im here its awesome. i dont want it to seem like im taking things for granite either. theres just this whole new appreciation for life after going through this once and i mean its just crazy twice. thats kinda corny too but its true. lovin life 24/7! chuck and cindy! haha elizabethtown rules every movie. yuck bad tastes in my mouth. man super long entries i am sorry about this and if you read it all you are a trooper and i <3 you. hope everyone is doing well, and hope everyone has an awesome valentines day and its awesome ok bye
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| hello |
[29 Jan 2006|01:07pm] |
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orange tic-tacs and spearmint gum to remove this gosh awful taste in my mouth. lots and lots and lots...lots of drugs. i sometimes forget what im doing. i thought up a plan in my head and when i went downstairs to access stage 1 of the process, i forgot what i wanted to do, and went back upstairs and still didnt remember. lots of fireworks in lights everywhere always i think. an over abundance of food which is probably the best thing created, food. last night = 3 tacos from taco bell, a bbq chicken sandwhich from kfc, cinnamon twists, boneless bbq wings, potato wedge things from kfc. that was my dinner in which it took me about 2.5 minutes to complete. ok maybe a little longer than that but still it was awesome. i just get munchies all the time and eat all the time lots of food. my hair is falling out. i remember the first time i went through this and it fell out. its awful. it was everywhere. when i wake up its in my face and it feels like spiders everywhere. so i shaved it, not like bic but buzzed so its badass and almost all gone. i think i probably know the most amazing people in the world being my friends and family and the overwhelming support and love from them, its amazing and i love them. thank you. happy birthday too vinnie his bday was yesterday im kinda upset i missed it cause im not feeling well but ill make it up to him and take him out for jdbs for old time sakes. too badass. speaking of too badass....riding bikes reunion. whooaaa boy am i excited dude i cant wait. im happy. i watched about 14 movies yesterday on tv. very fun. im hungry again, i just ate a little bit ago. leftover tacos, boneless wings, and rice krispies cereal snap crackle and pop. chris rock is mad funny he rules. writing in this is making me feel better, yesterday i spent the majority of the day in bed watching movies aside of course from eating food because for some reason thats all taht i can really get myself to do. i purchased mvp ncaa baseball 06 but havent had a chance to play it yet. weird things being on drugs all the time. its cool though. so master p is not a very good dancer on that show dancing with the stars, but you wanna know who is good at dancing? stacy kiebler. duh. i miss going to school and working and seeing everyone all the time and hanging out. well in a day or two ill be better and hanging out and everything but wait i dunno i kinda forgot whta i was thinking. oh school and work. eh i dont even know. i just turned up the music realll loud. it feels good. so super bowl predictions...i dunno, i want seattle to win cause im not really a big fan of pittsburgh but they are too damn good i dont even understand. they are on a tear and i dont think seattle is gonna be able to beat them but i hope they do. i dont really like either team but i mean its football and i love football. eagles blew it kinda. but oh well. yes...so i apologize for this pointless ranting and raving or someting or another. if you read it im sure you probably feel a little stupid. and i apologize for that. whoa i just realized that this is super long and i havent done that in some time. yes. ok im all done im gonna go eat pork roll sandwhiches doritos hmmm any kkinda of chocolate i can get my hands on that new black cherry vanilla coke they have which is pretty neat. and i hope you all have a wonderful day/evening/night and i hope to see you all soon. ;0)
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| TOP 10 TOP 10 |
[30 Dec 2005|10:09pm] |
My top 10 albums of 2005...
10. Coldplay - X&Y
9. The Starting Line - Based on a True Story
8. The Receiving End of Sirens - Between the Heart and the Synapse
7. The Spill Canvas - One Fell Swoop
6. My American Heart - The Meaning in Makeup
5. Houston Calls - A Collection of Short Stories
4. Cartel - Chroma
3. Sigur Ros - Takk
2. Death Cab for Cutie - Plans
1. Armor for Sleep - What to do when you’re dead
Honorable Mention
Anberlin - Never Take Friendship Personal
The Juliana Theory - Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat
The Rocket Summer - Hello Good Friend
Eisley - Room Noises
Movies
Elizabethtown
Just Friends
Star Wars Episode III
The Island
Television
Lost
Prison Break
The OC
House M.D.
Entourage
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[01 Dec 2005|08:53pm] |
timmy: "I thought she was your back up Quarterback?
donald: "I cant give her any reps if she doesnt come to practice."
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| new episodes in March? MARCH?!!? |
[28 Nov 2005|10:00pm] |
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i have to wait til march, MARCH! thats like, a bajillion days away. prison break is sick though. i cant waitttt for new episodes.
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| lost |
[23 Nov 2005|09:59pm] |
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its go time!
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emokidtimmyp's journal
